I opened the box…

I placed an Amazon order about two weeks ago. We’re getting a new mattress delivered and I ordered new sheets, a box spring anti-dustmite cover.

Oh. And some stuff for pregnancy. I was getting more nauseous. So I ordered some instant potatoes that are actually just potatoes. And some water flavoring things so that I could have some options other then lemon water.

I haven’t opened the box since it came, first it was because of laziness, and then stress, and then because I didn’t want to see it.

The mattress is being delivered tomorrow. I opened the box and I teared up as I carried the instant mashed potatoes to the food storage closet instead of to the pantry. Put all the sheets and such in the wash.

My pregnancy ended 6 days ago. I’m not nauseated anymore. I can stomach plain water again.

Well. I am feeling a little nauseated right now, but I think that’s just heartsick.

Miscarriage sucks. Grief bites. There are no pretty, orderly stages of grief, its more like being in a pinball machine where all the obstacles are “stages.”

I don’t know why my last two pregnancies haven’t lasted. I wanted them both, badly. I wanted to feel my belly grown and be uncomfortable and then squish fat little baby legs and snuggle my swaddled baby to my chest.

I take comfort from the snuggles and hugs of my sweet Lulu, the understanding and support from Viddy. And I take comfort in being sympathetic to other women who have gone through this, to help other women talk about it. I take comfort in believing there is a plan for me and my life and that there is holiness in grief and suffering.

This song that I first heard many years ago is bringing me comfort: “My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee” by Rob Gardner, based on Isaiah 54:10.

And Vocal Point’s arrangement of “Be Still My Soul.

I can’t listen to either without crying, yet.

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