Reasons Why Teddy Thinks We Hate Him









1. We Neutered Him –

There’s no way to say it other than plainly, we hired a professional assassin named Dr. Cindy to kill all of Teddy’s would-be progeny.  From there, when he got home and he was still hopped up on drugs we laughed at him while he ran into furniture and tables.  When he attempted to lick his nether regions because that’s what cat’s do when they have an itch they need to scratch, we placed what’s called an e-collar (Elizabethan Collar) on him.  This collar keeps him from licking himself, but also prevents other fun things like: going to the bathroom with some dignity, walking between furniture, and eat ing his dry food.  And yes, we laughed at his misery the whole time.  Then we invited our friend’s young daughter to play with him.  And she determined play, meant playing ‘steering wheel’.  Suffice it to say, the e-collar and Teddy were a lot of fun for her, but the game…not so fun for Teddy who found himself being flipped by his neck.  The whole time he had this angry stare that he would level at us when he wanted the guilt really to sink in.









2. We Ditch Him For Days Randomly

Three times we’ve what seemed to Teddy ditched him randomly for days with no notice or understanding (Lulu’s Birth, Lulu’s Hospital Vacation, and Lulu’s first trip to Cali).  So pretty much he thought we went to the store and then didn’t come back for four days.  Of course we had people come take care of him, but his people deserted him and he had to roam the house all by himself.









3. We Sublimate His Natural Instincts

Teddy is a born climber, his breed is known for scaling refrigerators in a single bound.  So, when he started jumping on our kitchen counters we had to teach him that that was a no no.  First, we tried yelling.  It scared Fannie more than it scared the cat.  Then we tried scruffing him, which taught him not to do it when we’re around.  So finally, I decided that he was going to get all MacGyver and set up a kitchen counter cat trip.  Taking the 3M Pet hair roller sticky paper, I laid it out, sticky-side up on the counter just inside the edge of the counter so Teddy couldn’t see it from the ground.  I did this all the way around the perimeter of the counter.  For the first couple of days, nothing happened.  Then on the third day, Fannie and I woke up to Teddy meowing outside their door at 3 AM.  When I went to answer the door, there was Teddy, mummified in the sticky paper looking as sad and pathetic as he could be.  We continued to booby trap the counters for another week until Teddy got the sticky paper treatment a second time.  Since then, he has never jumped on the counters again.











4. We Give Him Baths

So, most cats hate baths.  So does Teddy.  Unfortunately for Teddy, his long coat doubles as a swiffer mop.  He pretty much collects all the dust in the house which then bothers my allergies.  So, as a result, he needs baths.  Also, we want to make sure that if he ever really did get into a serious mess that required some cat dipping, we didn’t want to experience our cat’s first tub bath when he weighed a whopping 20 lbs which is what our small dog, I mean cat, will weigh some day.  The first time he fought valiantly and tore a 4-inch slice in my hand.  The second time, he broke a nail.  Which resulted in his demand that we take him to a manicurist. The third time he stopped fighting and just let out a sad elongated meow that sounds like a cross between a cow mooing and a wolf howling.  To be honest, we laugh at him every time and he hates us a little more for it.  After every bath, he then spends the next four hours licking himself until he’s dry.  I’m not quite sure why, but he won’t let us blow dry him and tries to escape our towel attack to dry him off.  Really, it’s about four hours and if it’s winter time, he spend the rest of the day by the fire.

5.  We Replaced Him with the People-Kitten

Teddy had the good life.  We let him spend the night in our room either playing or sleeping.  We spent hours playing with him and would bring him home treats and toys.  He was guaranteed a good solid 10 minutes of heavy petting, the good kind, every morning  and when I came home from work.  He could pretty much go anywhere he wanted in the house and could get love and affection on demand.  Then suddenly, he found himself deserted in the house for four days with a couple of visits from the neighbors to feed him and change his litter.  However, when his people returned, they brought with them a people-kitten.  This hairless ball of pink skin couldn’t do all the tricks that Teddy had learned to do in order to get attention, but the little people kitten still got all the love.  That night when everyone went to bed, Teddy sauntered up to the master bedroom to find the giant door in place.  He meowed, assuming that this was some oversight as surely his people would not make him sleep alone outside the room.  So, the next night he tried to time it that when everyone went to bed, he was already in there.  However, I promptly picked him up and dumped him outside the room.







Since that day, things have gotten a little better.  Teddy gets a little more attention, but has learned to demand it.  His favorite methods have proven to be very effective.  Method #1: Meow constantly for an hour outside the bedroom door in the morning around 6 am.  Method #2: While I am cooking or messing with the TV, Teddy will pop up on two legs and use his front paws to pull down my mesh shorts.  Method #3: If Lulu is being nursed, he’ll jump up on the boppy and lay next to Fannie so that she can pay both the kiddies/kitties attention with affection.  Method #4: This is brand new and is still in trials but if I am sitting on the ottoman and swinging Lulu, Teddy will run at a fast trot and jump up my back unto his shoulders.  Then he’ll perch there sitting on my shoulders purring and meowing, asking for attention.

We love our little kitty, Teddy, even though I threaten to turn him into a taco sometimes after Fannie and I discover he’s eaten vitamins, chewed through our inflatable mattress, scratches our big comfy chair, tries to escape into the garage, pounces on Lulu (not often), eat every single piece of dust or trash off the floor, and once dragged his poopy butt across our carpet.  He makes us laugh and is always good for some validating love and affection at the end of a long day.



Tags:  ,

One comment to Reasons Why Teddy Thinks We Hate Him

  • Scott  says:

    Dogs have owners but cats have designated humans, at least that is what Isaiah told me.