Revenge, an open letter to those wishing something sweet…buy some starbursts

To those victims of my wedding reception day car decorating skills:

My dear friends, I know you feel like the day of your wedding you were victimized.  The day when you made solemn vows for eternity you found your mode of transportation slightly unable to perform its function.  I want to explain to you how trying to seek revenge will not be as sweet as you think.

Jeff and Melea:  Yours was the first car I ever went to town on with my partner in crime, Josh.  We worked hard on putting together a masterpiece of car decoration.  We really brought our creative skills to bare when we filled your car with balloons, saran wrapped your car doors shut, added duct tape to make sure those doors were really stuck, used something on the order of 15 rolls of toilet paper, and finally added some celebratory confections known as oreos to spell out a heartfelt message.  You both were quite surprised to see such a work of art sitting in the driveway.  Just remember before you even ponder revenge, Doug did give Jeff scissors to cut it all off in a hurry.

Jordan and Kay:  Yours was the second car that I ever decorated.  I went with a white theme to match Kay’s dress and therefore used as much toilet paper possible to cover  the car.  We then filled the car with balloons and adorned the windows with all sorts of happy messages for the happy couple.  Finally, as an extra treat for those of us that wanted to spend a few more moments with you, I unhooked the car battery.  Ah yes, I remember the smiles for those that watched you turn the key and nothing happened.  Those smiles that welcomed the few extra moments that we would get in order to share further in your special day.  Just remember before you ponder revenge, as I went to connect the battery up again, you turned the key so that sparks flew around the engine and nearly electrocuted me.

Jeff and Rebecca: Yours was a special treat to decorate because Becky was the very first within our family to get married.  We carefully secured water bottles filled with rocks and other items to the bumper of the car and then clandestinely hid them underneath the carriage.  We then used many rolls of toilet paper in a symbol for the many children that you all would one day have.  We wrote messages all over the windows encouraging others passing by to join you in your wedding day joys and to honk to express their congratulations.  Just remember before you plot revenge, …well, just remember I really, really wanted to do a lot worse to the car, but I’m totally terrified of what Mom would have done to me.  So, there was no way I was going to do anything that would make her mad at me.

Josh and Kim: Well, you haven’t gotten married yet, but remember…I’m almost as afraid of what Kim would do to me as I was of my Mom.  So I’m probably not going to do anything to your car either.  Never mess with a cougarette.  Just don’t do it.

Finally, all others considering decorating our car and stealing a few extra moments with us on our wedding day.  Don’t be afraid of me, be afraid of Stephanie.  She knows 30 ways to kill you and those are just the ways she’s willing to admit to knowing.  She knows another 20 to make you just hurt really, really, really bad for a week.



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One comment to Revenge, an open letter to those wishing something sweet…buy some starbursts

  • Jordan  says:

    Am I sensing joy beneath these words? Who said anything about getting revenge on your wedding day? Even if you do dodge a bullet on May 15, revenge comes in all shapes an forms. Make no mistake Viddy, your day will come. 🙂